Blocking Penalty Complicates Illegal Immigration; Libby
Crawford, Texas -- President Bush today pardoned TriBoomer for the blocking penalty given at the Ironman 70.3 Buffalo Springs Triathlon on June 24. Delivering the order while sitting on the ground next to a wrecked mountain bike the President said, "My order is clearly the will of the peoples. It reverses a serious dejustice and restores the reputation of an outstanding 'merican and triathloner." He added, "The penalty was severely out of line and that's not the TriBoomer I read about on his blogaweb and internets. Have you seen the way he and Greyhound sing 'Oh Canada'? It's like I tell Tony Blair, 'That's some funny sh*t, man.' They crack up me and the twins."
Democrats were quick to denounce President Bush's decision. Presidential hopeful, Senator Hillary Clinton asked, "Why was he [Bush] so quick to let a Texan like TriBoomer off the hook? What does TriBoomer know that we don't? The names of CIA agents? It looks like he got a Scooter Libby deal to me. Congressional hearings are sure to follow."
Senator Barack Obama, appearing on the Oprah show, joined in by saying, "The next thing you know all triathletes will want their penalties overturned. Then after that, what? Illegal immigrants will declare they were in triathlons and blocking other riders in hope of getting a TriBoomer pardon too."
But “not so fast,” says White House spokesman Tony Snow, who today tried to pour cold water on the plans of illegal immigrants hoping to follow in Mr. Libby’s and TriBoomer's footsteps: “Before these folks expect to get TriBoomer's and Scooter’s deal, they should ask themselves, ‘Can I cut a check for $250,000?’”
When asked by a reporter why the President decided to weigh into this controversy when the penalty was given by a race marshall on the scene with no other witnesses other than an angry Triboomer, Mr. Bush said, "The question is, who ought to make that decision? The USAT Race Marshalls or me? And as you know, my position is clear -- I'm a commander guy, The Decider. Clearly those guys at USAT misunderestimated me."
Elsewhere, people with no lives have stopped waiting in line for the iPhone and started waiting in line for the new Harry Potter book.